Yes, dear subscribetreneurs, it's true! I've finally been released from RICH PEOPLE JAIL! And since my son has kindly agreed to donate some of his BLOOD PLASMA and LYMPH and SKIN to me, my body's net age has actually decreased by SEVERAL YEARS, so I've not actually lost any time at all. I have multitudinous MEBRO CORPORATION updates to share with you today, but before we begin, I want you to know that my time in RICH PEOPLE JAIL has changed me as a person, FOR THE BETTER. Also the volume of SUBSTANCES I have extracted from my son has led to a condition that my doctor has calls DISCONTINUOUS SOUL, so I am in fact, LITERALLY and LEGALLY a CHANGED PERSON. But enough about me! Let's talk about all the wonderful changes I'm making to MEBRO CORPORATION!
 

OUR NEW SALES SCIENCE

Naturally, the packages of SERVICES and COMMODITIES that MEBRO provides (business to business services as a service) includes a lot of sales, because we have to convince people to buy this service, and then we have to convince other people to buy other business-to-business services. We call this practice SECOND-ORDER SALES. However, we have developed a wide variety of COOL NEW sales methods which we are SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to be recession-proof. Here are some examples:

• Straight line sales - the classic. Example: person A sells a Pokémon card to person B. Boring! 
• Cyclic sales - example: two friends sell the same hosepipe to one another for $10 every 2 minutes. With each sale, they earn $10 in gross revenue.
• Exponential sales - example: I sell a cheeseburger repeatedly to myself. Every time I sell it, I double the price. I consent to the sale because the ever-increasing price of the cheeseburger makes it a good investment.
• Platonic sales - example: I sell you the shadow of an object, which cost me nothing. You accept it because you are blind to the true nature of reality.
• Diagonal sales - came to me in a dream. Nobody knows what this is yet.

These are all minimal examples of REAL PRACTICES being employed by companies within MEBRO's customer base, and several who aren't. Where are my BIG ROYALTIES, OpenAI? You can't just use our new sales strategies without asking! I would SUE THEM INTO OBLIVION but apparently testimony generated by ChatMPT is not LEGALLY ADMISSIBLE.
 

TACKLING THE COST OF LIVING CRISIS AND RISING INFLATION

SPIRALING INFLATION has hit us all hard, but it has hit me especially hard, because it is expensive to build a HYPERBARIC CHAMBER in your house, which I need in order to further SLOW MY AGING.

When I was a boy, the tooth fairy left 1.4 MILLION DOLLARS in assorted STOCKS AND BONDS under my pillow in exchange for a SINGLE (1) TOOTH. To all those who didn't make the Forbes 30 under 13 list, I ask you this - did you SQUANDER your ASSETS, or did you make a lesser FEY BARGAIN? Perhaps some of you had ROTTEN TEETH and were only able to fetch SIX FIGURES. To those people, I say: SOUR GRAPES. Here's what we're doing to help fund my isobaric chamber: As of now, all MEBRO products are TWICE AS EXPENSIVE. We didn't make this decision lightly. The increased price will allow us to continue to increase the amount of money we make.

To be honest, I have no idea why I didn't think of this sooner. If I were to ever write a BUSINESS TEXTBOOK, this would probably be on PAGE ONE. But I won't do that or everyone would STEAL MY IDEAS. If you wish to cancel your ongoing MEBRO subscription, simply turn up to our HEADHALVES (bigger than headquarters) in DOVER COLORADO, in person, with a handwritten cancellation+apology letter, and perform the MEBRO UNSUBSCRIPTION DANCE as described in our novel-length MEBRO customer agreement.
 

ARE BUSINESS-TO-BUSINESS SERVICES AS A SERVICE A BUBBLE?

TOP ECONOMISTS have given MEBRO an F-NUMBER measured in YEARS or even DECADES (For the uninitiated, F stands for FLINTSTONE INDEX and describes how long it takes people to notice your car doesn't have an engine and you're just pushing it along the ground with your bare feet). MEBRO's high F-NUMBER ensures that we will remain operational for many years after we become FINANCIALLY UNSUSTAINABLE. Does that sound like a bubble to you? I didn't think so.

FURTHERMORE, people who SPREAD MISINFORMATION such as 'dot com was a bubble!' or 'ChatMPT is a bubble!' or 'tulips are a bubble!' are WILLFULLY IGNORANT of the fact that there are certain commodities and industries that just GENERATE MONEY FOREVER like a SECRET CHEAT CODE, and claims that these industries are 'bubbles' (finger quotes, dismissive tone) are a psyop from BIG RECESSION to try and sell QUANTITATIVE EASING, whatever that is. We're so confident that people will be using ChatMPT, daily, forever, and paying HUNDREDS OF CRISP AMERICAN DOLLARS for it, that we're adding mandatory ChatMPT features to every single product in our existing lineup. And, on the off-chance that the 'chatbot' industry has no future, MEBRO is lean and agile enough to pivot easily. I have already identified a gap in the market and suggested that we begin selling WOOLEN SNEAKERS.

That's all the MEBRO news I have for you today, my dearest subscribetreneurs. One more thing: In my absence, the MEBRO website (MEBRO.CO.UK) has been redesigned in order to provide the best possible user experience. In addition to all the best MEBRO INFO, it also contains an archive of posts from this very mailing list - the MEBRO POWER BLOG! 

Rob Welch

VP of CEOs, MEBRO CORPORATION

I hope this message finds you well. I am writing this from RICH PEOPLE JAIL. Due to the severity of my so-called 'financial crimes' I will not be released for another SIX ENTIRE MONTHS. My treatment so far has been inhumane. The food is UNDER-SEASONED, the tennis courts do not have the REGULATION LEVEL OF BOUNCE, and the television is lacking all the SAUCY PAY-PER-VIEW CHANNELS that I have become accustomed to. Still, it's not all bad. My cellmate is a very nice fellow named BERNIE MADOFF, who offered me some good tips on ASSET MANAGEMENT. Because of the limited space available for me to write on this LEMON-SCENTED MOIST TOWELETTE, I am turning today's newsletter over to our vice presidents of THE FUTURE and PROFITABILITY. Thank you for your continued patronage of Mebro Corporation products and services.

A Special Message from Mebro Corporation's VP of the Future

I am pleased to announce Mebro Corporation's new artificial intelligence service, CATS1, which stands for ChatMPT Algebra Tensor Something, wherein ChatMPT stands for Chat Mechanical PT. Here's how it works: when you make an API request, you are connected directly to a PT (Person from Turkey) who is paid 0.001 crisp American cents per token to answer your request. Our state of the art Algebra Tensor Something system (ATS1) ensures that you are connected to a PT within minutes.

CATS outperforms comparable AI services like That Google AI Thing and ChatGPT, because unlike those services, it is powered by real Turkish People. Not convinced? Have a look at this real chat log powered by our upcoming CATS1 model.

A Special Message from Mebro Corporation's VP of Profitability

As you all probably know by now, Mebro Corporation is currently gearing up for our SPO, or Second Public Offering. The idea is simple: we pretend that we can run a profitable business, and people give us money, which we can use to pay off our substantial debts. This involves cutting as many jobs as possible, usually in unimportant areas, like engineering and logistics, which mostly seem to run themselves these days (computers and such). We know this can be tough on morale, so we want you to know: everyone is feeling the squeeze, and even our C-suite executives have suffered cuts to the amount by which their bonuses increase every year.

• All Mebro employees are required to bring their own toilet paper AND toilet water.
• We will be renting the space under the office foosball table as a stylish 0.5 bedroom apartment.
• We are relocating the office to Dover, Colorado. If you can't move, you are fired. Move your families. Don't worry, your children will make new friends at the school which they presumably have here in Dover, Colorado.

We know that some employees will be unhappy with these changes, along with not being paid in so-called 'Real Money'. Well, guess what, complainers? Money isn't real anyway. One day, you'll be thanking me for all of these expired cans of corn, McDonald's napkins and stock options, because the country will be moving to a bartering-based economy and you'll only be able to spend a crisp benjamin by wiping your ass with it, and the two acts will become so synonymous that people will say 'I'm going to spend a crisp benjamin' when they go to the bathroom.

Richard Ghoule

VP of Profitability

It is with intense sadness and feigned sincerity that MEBRO CORPORATION, via our dedicated SMART HOME CAPABILITIES, has discovered that ENGLAND'S ONLY QUEEN has been taken from us at the TRAGICALLY EARLY AGE of ninety-six. We here at MEBRO wish to extend the LEGAL MAXIMUM level of condolences possible without admitting responsibility for the incident.

On Monday the 19th of September, we will be observing National Funeral Day (NFD). please exit MEBRO CORPORATION HEADHALVES (twice as good as headquarters). You may see a group of people enter the building wearing gas masks from a van marked 'ROACH-B-GONE PROFESSIONAL FUMIGATORS'. These people are PROFESSIONAL MOURNERS and will make sure that the Queen's Ghost does not disturb the premises.

As part of our mourning ritual for the CEO OF BRITAIN, this email will be observing a one minute silence, starting now.

[EMAIL SILENCE HAS NOW ENDED]

In other news, it has come to my attention that some employees now wish to return to the office. For example: here is an employee testimonial, partially redacted to protect the identity of the employee in question:

I ###### wish to return to the office. I ##########, ########, ################l###########o######### #########v###########e my coworkers and #######the office

Unfortunately, it is not possible for everyone to return to the office, as part of MEBRO HEADHALVES (bigger than headquarters) has been sold off to become a MEAT PROCESSING PLANT. As a result of the large quantities of HIGH-QUALITY MEATS and game passing through the office, the remaining office space has become infested with cockroaches, who have grown to become as BIG AS MEN, and as strong and hefty as PRIZED HEIFERS, and completely immune to the poisoned meat i have been feeding them.

In order to earn their trust, i too have been partaking in the FORBIDDEN MEAT, but worry not, dear subscribetreneurs, as I HAVE BECOME a NEW KIND OF MAN. Not an ALPHA MALE, or a BETA MALE, or even a SIGMA MALE. I am an E-MALE, a DIGITAL MAN for the DIGITAL AGE, PERFECT and IMMUTABLE. All the RAW MEAT I have consumed and all the STOOLS I have not passed have resulted in my form becoming entirely digital, a man of pure bits and bytes, living in your computer like Bonzi Buddy or a NORTON GHOST. Which is useful, as NO PRISON ON EARTH CAN CONTAIN ME, I simply squeeze into the telephone and phone myself to New Mexico.

Thank you, subscribetreneurs, for your support during this DIFFICULT TRANSITION. If you wish to support MEBRO and GET RICH, I advise you to simply invest in the HOUSING MARKET, which will never go bust. The wealth will then trickle sideways to me somehow.

Your loving VP of CEOs,

Rob Welch

VP of CEOs, MEBRO CORPORATION

First of all, thank you for your patience in these trying times. I am narrating this to one of my many unpaid interns from the MEBRO Corporation Panic Room and Executive Lounge™. All at MEBRO Corporation is VERY WELL right now. I would like to make it known that nobody at MEBRO has ever even HEARD of Jeffery Epstein and NOBODY here has played at least 18 holes of golf with him, or ridden in the Noncemobile®. You can easily verify this, because, if any of us had done that, I'm sure people would simply stop consuming MEBRO products, whatever they are.

This is a very difficult power newsletter for me to write, because I wish to announce that I will be stepping down as MEBRO's VP of CEOs almost immediately, pending my absolutely enormous severance package. I'm sure you'll find out why I'm stepping down in the newspapers, but worry not, six months I will be re-hired as a consultant on an incredibly inflated salary and will not have to answer for any alleged crimes.

Now, onto some better news. Our employee of the year is Brendan A., who had an image of the carpet tiles at MEBRO HQ tattooed onto his back to show his brand awareness. He has won a trip to Pontins. Our runner up is Bethany G., who slaved away in some kind of customer service type job that didn't need to exist throughout the entire pandemic. She has won a very mediocre redundancy package, because we have spent her salary on a robot that tells us who we should fire next.

Thank you for reading. I have to stop narrating now as i can hear the police sirens coming this way. Okay, that'll do for the email. No, stop typing! Come over here and help cryogenically freeze me! I want to live forever!

Rob Welch

VP of CEOs, MEBRO CORPORATION

This difficult time has truly laid into perspective how important it is to be able to connect with MEBRO at any time, from any place, even NEBRASKA.

As I type this from one of the many offices in one of my MANY HUGE MANSIONS, hopelessly trapped and impotent, truly there is no suffering like that which I am experiencing. For example, last week I ran out of FOIE GRAS. Can you even imagine?

MEBRO employtreneurs are currently working around the clock in order to provide you with the ESSENTIAL MEBRO SERVICES you need. Don't worry, we're doing all we can to ENSURE THEIR SURVIVAL. For example, they are now banned from using the bathroom, because that's where all the germs hang out.

Unfortunately, even their deaths, like some kind of AZTEC SACRIFICE to the god of the economy, are not enough to ensure MEBRO's continued survival. That's why MEBRO is asking for a FAT CASH PILE from the government. Here's the deal: they give us the money, or the MEBRO gets it. It's like a hostage situation, only the hostage is the economy. Unless I personally get a TOWER OF BANKNOTES at least TWENTY FEET HIGH, I will personally and irrevocably send a letter of termination to every single MEBRO employtreneur, printed on PASTEL GREEN PAPER in order to relax them while they're being fired.

At MEBRO, we want you to know that we're doing everything we can to pitch in during this difficult time. That's why, from now until next week, all bereaved family members of deceased MEBRO employees will get a FIVE DOLLAR ARBY'S VOUCHER whether they want it or not.

Please stay synergized in this difficult time.

Rob Welch

VP of CEOs, MEBRO CORPORATION